Haven't Lost Any Weight Yet

But I did check out my butt in the mirror of the locker room and it's a lot less rippley back there. So woot! Progress!

Berry Bizzy Lately

I've been pretty busy lately with regular every day life stuff. Nothing really earth shattering but still busy none-the-less. Most of what's going on isn't blog worthy at all so I won't waste my time typing all that out.

But. I had a sick baby foster bunny. I've been medicating all of the fosters for a little over a week now but the sick one was put down on Wednesday. She was just suffering miserably and I am not one to prolong a life just because I can. I called ME, told her how the baby was doing, and we decided together that it would be best to let her go. So, the girls and I went to the vet and said our goodbyes, then headed home to give medicine to the rest of the foster family.

Other than that...nothing else is really going on. Oh, I'm up to 35 minutes on the elliptical. I could go longer but I don't have the time so I'm now going through the levels. Today will be my last day on level 2. Monday starts level 3. I'm now preferring to do cardio because I can read while I do that and just about the only time I read now is during my exercise time. I like the weight machines but I can't read while I do those so I've been sticking with the cardio. It's not like I can't use a ton of that anyway.

I have a very quiet weekend ahead of me, I have plans to tackle the laundry and relax on the couch. I haven't had a really lazy kid free weekend in a long time.

I Am Ready To Strangle My Children's Father

That man has such a grandios sense of entitlement it's INSANE.

I used to bend over backwards to accommodate that man. Maybe that's why he thinks he can dictate our visitation schedule on his whims. I've been emailing (yes, because he won't pick up the freaking phone to call, which is fine by me because this way I have a record of everything that's said) with him since yesterday about the summer rotation. He wants to line it up so that their summer vacation will fall on his weekend. I want to leave it the way it is because I don't want to alter my volunteer schedule. Altering my schedule alters a bunch of other people's schedules as well and I'm not willing to go through all that just because he wants me to.

I was looking at the calendar, and if I pick up the girls on July 17th it will put the rotation in place so I can have them on July 31st and then pick them up again on Aug 13th for the cruise. We were invited to a huge BBQ on Aug 1st and I would love to take the girls. Please let me know if this is OK.

And I answered

I have a schedule for some volunteer obligations through the rest of the calendar year that is based on the rotation the way it is now. If you would like to take them to the BBQ on the first I will be happy to let you have them for the day. When the girls come back from the cruise I will need to get them back on the current rotation so that I can continue to work my scheduled shifts. Are you not interested in picking them up on the 10th?

To which he said

If I can do every other weekend starting July 17 unti the cruise, I will keep them the weekend of Aug 22 & 23 to get it back on the rotation that works for your volunteering. The BBQ is in Waldorf, MD which is about 2 hours from where I live, picking them up for the day will not work. Let me know if you can work this out just until Aug 7 & 8 then it will back on the rotation you need. I hope this will work.

To which I answered

We have a bowling party scheduled for the weekend of 8/17. I do occasionally make plans with the girls too, and I do it around the existing schedule. I also have plans for 8/1 but I am willing to let you have them for the day to accommodate your plans. If you can't make that work then I will take them with me to our party at my sister's house. I'm sorry I'm not more flexible than this but your family plans don't trump mine.

Here's the kicker. After he's been so difficult about every thing he could possibly be difficult about HE tells ME that I need to be flexible and that I need to remember he doesn't just schedule family plans, he takes care of their dental and eye appointments as well. What does he want, a medal? First, his wife works for a dentist. It wouldn't make any sense for him NOT to handle that. Second, He took it upon himself to handle the eye doctor stuff. I would rather do it myself because I don't like the quality of the frames he picks out. He always gets some kids special where the frames and lenses cost $150 total...and honestly...we get what we pay for.

He just sent me a long email telling me what days he will be picking the girls up, what weekend he will be skipping, and how we will get back on my rotation after their vacation. Never mind the fact that according to our divorce decree I get the girls on their birthdays BUT I have graciously allowed him to have Buttercup on hers. He always seems to forget when I give him what he asks for but throws a fit when I choose to keep my time with them. What he needs to remember is that according to our divorce decree he is not entitled to overnight visits. He is supposed to get them during two weekdays every other week because that's what worked for him when they were little. He used to do his visitation at our apartment and pretty much function as free daycare while I was at work. So for him to tell me that I need to be flexible is laughable.

It says

I think you mean 7/17 because on 8/17 we will be on the cruise. This is not about whoes plans trump whose, All I was trying to do is line up the rotation so that I have them the weekend of the cruise. It would have helped if you communicated the fact that you made plans with the girls, I know that I give you a lot of notice we I have things planned for them, remember its not just vacations that I plan with them either, I take care of all there eye doctor and dentist appointments as well. Which I have already made but based on your volunteer program for the rest of the year they will need to be changed, which I will do. I will pick up the girls on Friday July 10th, Friday July 24, then I will need to skip the next two weekends which are the weekends of July 31, and Aug 7 and I will pick them up on Aug 13 in the evening and bring them back on Aug 23 which will put the rotation back on the schedule that you need for your program. You need to understand that things are going to come up that are out of my control and your control and we will need to be flexible with each other. I will let you know the dates of there new eye and dentist appointments sometime this week. Just a reminder form last year I am making plans for Thanksgiving with the girls I will pick them up on Wed November 25 for the weekend, which will fall on my weekend anyways so it shouldn't interfere with any volunteer projects you have lined up. I hope this will work.

He has never once given me a doctor schedule. He just lets me know when I owe him for half of whatever he paid.

I'm not answering him back. Screw him. There has never been one time that I needed to switch weekends that he has accommodated me. I'm done being Mrs. Nice Lady. What I do on my time is my business, not his, and I don't have to explain my reasons for switching or not switching my time. The only reason I don't mention this to him is because I don't want to have to go to court to have the same schedule we have now put into effect. But, if he pushes the issue I at least have documentation that I attempted to be reasonable about accommodating his requests, even if he did choose not to take me up on it.

Fucker.

Our afternoon at the pool

I was at the pool with my 10 year old, she was swimming and playing with her friends, I was lounging on the deck reading a book. It was semi-crowded and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves.

Except for one couple. She looked tired and defeated. He looked agitated and twitchy. As soon as I saw them I knew what kind of relationship they had. He proved it within five minutes of my thinking that.

The show started with him belligerently belittling her. She made him look like an idiot by disappearing into the bathroom while he was talking to her, making it appear as though he was talking to himself. She was jealous because he was watching the diving team practice on the other side of the pool. He’s been around that all his life, he should be able to watch girls in bikinis without her interference. She’s lucky he tolerates her, she probably just wants to go out right now and get drunk and high. She’s probably looking at her phone to see if her boyfriend called. “F” this. “F” that.

And on and on and on. For over two hours. And no one noticed but me.

Watching them sent me back almost 10 years to a time when I lived with a man just like him. Insults were hurled daily, I was deprived of sleep while he raged in the middle of the night, and I looked at the floor any time we were in public so I wouldn’t be accused of “checking out” other men. I spent my entire existence during those days trying not to make waves but there was always something that sent him over the edge.

I knew what that woman’s home life was like. I had lived it. I had escaped it. She hasn’t been that lucky. Yet.

As badly as I wanted to walk up to that man and give him a tongue lashing the likes of which he could only wish he’d ever be able pull off…I didn’t. I pretended not to notice, just like everyone else, all the while sifting through the options flying through my head that I could offer this lady to get her away from him.

Up until this past week I was a volunteer on a domestic violence hot line. I was trained to offer resources to women just like this who called and asked for them. I gave it up because as much as I tried to do for women in this position it would never be enough. Too many of them would find it too hard or too scary to get out. Others would leave and go back. It was too hard to talk to the same women week after week. I ran out of encouraging things to say. I was no longer helpful to them. I am the exception to the rule, I was offered help, I took it, and I made a wonderful life for myself and my daughters.

Along with figuring out what to offer this woman I had to figure out how to slip the information to her without him noticing. One thing I know from experience is that outside “help” can, and many times will, result in physical violence towards the victim. The last thing I wanted to do was make trouble for her.

While I was trying to come up with a plan she gathered up her things and walked into the locker room, which is also the exit. She was on her cell phone; I thought she called someone to come get her. I was disgusted with myself for not following her to make sure she was OK. I was disgusted with myself for not making him shut up and leave her alone. I was disgusted with myself because I am a trained hot line counselor and I did nothing.

I was so disgusted with myself that I called a friend of mine, who is also an abuse survivor. And she told me what I already knew. There’s nothing I could have done. There’s no law against acting like a jerk in public as long as nothing physical happens.

I went back to reading my book, trying to forget what I had witnessed. It wasn’t easy but I managed to get back into the story.

And then she came back. She had been gone for about 20 minutes. As soon as I saw her go back to her lounge chair I got up, went to the front desk, and asked for a piece of paper. I picked up the pen that was lying on the sign in sheet and wrote down the number to the hot line, the name of the agency that runs it, and that it’s staffed 24 hours a day. I folded it up into a tiny square, wrapping my fingers around it tightly and keeping it out of view.

I held on to that paper for an hour and a half. I sat on the steps at the shallow end of the pool, near the entrance to the restroom so I wouldn’t miss my opportunity to approach her before she left for the day.

When she finally got up to leave, following him across the pool deck, I got up and went into the restroom. I sat on a bench and waited for her to come through the door. When she entered I asked her if she was OK. She looked dazed and said that yes, she was fine, she would be fine. I stood up and approached her and handed her the paper square. She took it and looked at me questioningly.

“It’s a phone number” I said. Then I walked back out to the pool to collect my daughter so we could go home. As she was toweling off and I was packing our stuff the woman came back to where I was standing.

“I’ll be OK with a lot of prayer,” she said.

“It’s not OK the way he treats you. You don’t have to live like that. I know, I lived with someone just like him. I know what your life is like.” I said.

She nodded and said “Thanks for this. I’ll look into it tonight.” Then she walked away.

I still don’t feel great about what’s in store for her tonight. I wish I could have done more, but as it is I did everything I could possibly do; more than anyone else tried to do. Maybe she’ll use the hot line. Maybe she won’t. But as someone told me earlier tonight when I told the story: At least she knows that someone out there gives a damn.

Gym Recap

When I went to the gym yesterday I started paying attention to who's working out in there and I started talking to two chix who have been at it for a decent amount of time.

The first one was a heavier girl who's been working out for three years (Yipes!) but she admits that she doesn't watch her diet at all. She doesn't look bad to me, her body type suits her, and she was doing some murderous ab stuff. She showed me how she got started with that and I followed her around for about 30 minutes, doing what she did...and today my entire torso is pretty sore. Her stuff definitely hit some target sections, which on me is pretty much every section.

The second girl is almost a body builder type. She's cut and if I were a guy I'd be afraid of her. She mostly does stuff on the old school equipment. Her arms are more buff than I think any girls should be but she admits that she's a little fanatical. She showed me how to do some stuff to focus on the triceps and I hung out with her for the last 15 minutes. It's probably good that I needed that last 15 minutes to get changed because when I got back to my desk my arms were shaking and everything else felt like an overstretched rubber band.

I should be all healed up and ready to go again on Monday. It'll be leg day. I think Tuesdays and Thursdays will be my cardio days. On Friday I will officially be at it for a month. When I started I didn't see myself doing more than grudgingly dragging myself down there more than three times a week for a half-assed attempt at looking like I was trying hard. I'm a little surprised that I've picked up the habit of going down there and doing serious work every day.

The scale hasn't moved, which doesn't surprise me. I haven't changed my eating habits at all and I can already feel some stuff getting toned up a little. So, I'm not melting any fat, I'm transforming it into muscle. Not scads of it at this point but enough that I can feel a difference. I'm starting small with my goals. And right now my goal is to be less jiggly...lol I don't know if anyone else has ever used that as a goal but that's what's keeping me going. Specifically I want to tone up my arms. I don't want to have the old lady flab on the backs of them, hence my work on the triceps yesterday. I'll make new baby goals every couple weeks just to spice things up.

I'm really digging the gym. Who knew I would actually kind of enjoy it?

They're Supportive....But They Fib

M: OMG! You look so good! You're losing weight already!

Me: (looking at her like she's a lunatic) No I haven't. The scale hasn't moved.

M: Well, you're toning up or something because you look really good today.

V: Yeah, your butt looks really good in those jeans and you've worn them before, so yeah...somethings working for you...

My friends are awesome, even if they are giant fibbers.

Jogging! It Is Sucktastic!

I'm still reflecting on my jogging caper from yesterday. General consensus from people who exercise regularly is that NOBODY likes jogging but many people do it anyway because they don't want to pay for gym memberships but still want to stay "fit".

Let me digress for a moment and say that I hate the word "fit". Fit, when used by single folks on dating profiles (It's OK to look!) always say their potential match will be "fit". What they mean when they say that is "slim and toned". It has nothing at all to do with actually being healthy and able to give them a run for their money when comparing physical activity.

Anyway, yesterday I skipped the gym because I had over done it with the arm weights on Monday and I was sore. I could have been fine but on Tuesday instead of doing a light cardio day I hopped on the rowing machine with a lady from my office and made it worse. So I just had a leisurely lunch at my desk. Even though I actually felt the pull to go. Which makes me happy because I've never had that before.

That's how I wound up jogging. The little voice in my head was nagging me to get out and DO SOMETHING so I decided to take Jezzy for a jog. Buttercup came too and we alternated between jogging and walking. It would have been pretty decent if Jezzy hadn't tripped both of us up. At least neither of us fell on our faces. That would have been embarrassing.

Today is back to business. I'm hitting the gym in 20 minutes. I'm trying to decide if I want to avoid the jogging all together or if I'll continue to try it on the weekends when the gym is closed. It's sucktastic but better than not doing anything.